I Haunt Myself
by CommanderLeska
Summary: "You killed me, Clarke. I'm dead because of you. You." - Where Clarke has to face her demons head on after the Mountain.


Clarke's hand split open as she twisted sideways, slamming her hand against the tree next to her to keep her upright, blood dripping out onto the forest floor. She sniffed, her nose red and raw from the weeks she'd been out alone in the world. Her eyes were the same, red, raw and hollow. The blue a reminder of what she used to be. A healer. A leader. Clarke Griffin. Now she was nothing. Out alone in the forest, covered in mud and blood and guilt. She leant backwards into the tree, bringing her hand to eye level, wincing at the sight of her torn skin on her palm. She was out of medical supplies long ago. The best she could do was try and find another scout who would lend her supplies as a favour for destroying the mountain. Every rider she saw, a small part of her hoped it was Lexa. Her white knight in shining armour. Who turned out to be her black knight in rusted armour. Who left her at the mouth of hell. The worst part? Clarke would have done the same.

"Clarke."

"Wells?" Clarke gasped, pushing herself away from the tree, spinning in circles until she saw him. Tied to a tree, sword through his heart. "Wells?"

"You did this Clarke. I'm dead. Because of you. I came to Earth because of _you_." He spat, causing Clarke to step back, shaking her head.

"No. No, no, no. Ch-Charl-" Clarke held her hands up to her temples, shaking her head.

"Not Charlotte. You." Wells insisted, baring his teeth at her.

"You killed us all, Clarke." Clarke pivoted, almost throwing herself backwards when she saw Finn there, tied to the tree, like he was at the Grounder camp, this time with a sword through his heart. "I killed those people for _you_ , Clarke."

"Finn…" Clarke started forward, only to choke on her words when she caught sight of the world around her. Adam stood tied to a tree close behind Finn, glaring at her, pinned the same way as Finn and Wells.

"You killed me, Clarke. You killed me. I'm dead because of _you_." Adam hissed and lurched forward, the sword squelching in his chest.

"Don't think I don't know what you did, Clarke." Clarke turned back to Wells, seeing Anya next to him.

"Anya…" Clarke stumbled forward, grasping the hilt of the sword protruding from Anya's chest.

"You used my death to get Lexa to do what you wanted. Lied about my death. I didn't die with you. I died _because of you_." Anya ground her teeth together, spitting out her words at Clarke. "You're not a hero. Or a leader. You're a coward. Causing death wherever you tread."

"I'm sorry Anya, I'm sorry. Please. I'm sorry." Clarke fell to her knees, looking down at the ground.

"Sorry isn't good enough." Anya spat, and Clarke looked back up. All around Anya were trees with Grounders tied to them, Grounders Clarke had never met before. "You burned my whole village to the ground. You failed to save Tris. You killed her. She died because of _you_ , Klark kom Skaikru. Look around. Look at the death you caused." Clarke eased herself back up and slowly turned, taking in the forest as far as the eye could see, full of Grounders and Mountain Men alike, dead, swords through their hearts, tied to the trees. Because of her. She killed them. All of them. The culled 300, the 300 warriors, the people of Ton DC, the generals, the Mountain Men. Wells, Finn, Charlotte, Anya, Tris, Gustus.

"Clarke."

"No." Clarke shut her eyes, rubbing them free of tears at the voice that spoke to her. Behind her.

"Clarke."

"No, please, stop, just stop!" She cried out, punching the wet ground.

"Clarke!"

"Stop!" She turned, a sob tumbling out of her mouth at the sight of Lexa, tied to the tree next to Anya, sword through her heart, top filling with blood. "Lexa…"

"Love is weakness, Clarke. My people know that. You made me weak. I cannot be weak and a leader." Lexa spat out, blood tumbling from her mouth as she spoke, fresh tears springing to Clarke's eyes.

"You can't be dead. Lexa, please." Clarke stepped forward slowly, reaching out for her.

"You killed me, Clarke. You made me weak, and then you killed me. It might as well have been you that shoved this sword through my chest!" She yelled, drawing Clarke closer. She stumbled, letting herself fall towards Lexa, wrapping her arms around the incapacitated Commander.

"No..." Clarke wept, clinging to Lexa's body as she felt the blood seep through to her shirt, and the tears seep through to Lexa's.

"Lexa…"

"Clarke."

"Lexa, please."

"Clarke."

"I forgive you."

"Clarke!"

* * *

"Lexa!" Clarke sat bolt upright from the bed, breathing heavily.

"It's okay Clarke, I'm here." Lexa moved to sit on the edge of the bed, holding out a cup of water for Clarke. "We found you in the woods. By the great lake. Hugging a tree."

"You're alive." Clarke reached past the water and grabbed Lexa's wrist, cracking a smile. "You're alive."

"Yes, Clarke. I am." She eased out of Clarke's grip, passing her the water. "Drink this. You ate some bad nuts. They give a person visions. Not all good. Judging by your tree hugging and crying, I imagine you were not one of the lucky ones."

"No... I was not. You're alive." Clarke smiled again, dropping the empty cup to the bed and grabbing the Commander's wrists. She pulled herself up into a sitting position, then pushing herself forward into Lexa, still keeping her grip on her wrists as the two fell onto the bed, Clarke peering down at the shocked Grounder.

"Clarke?"

"You're alive. I forgive you. I need you. Don't ever die for me." Clarke let her head drop and their lips collide right there in the medical tent. Skai Prisa and Tri Heda. Alive. No one could tell for how long, but for now, they were safe, and alive.

For now.

* * *

 **Oh god, I angsted again. I'm sorry. This came to me in the middle of the night and I'm sorry. But hey, it ended kinda fluffy, right?**  
 **Comment and kudos if you liked it. Thanks for reading :)**


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